Sir, I insist that we meet on the Field of Wackiness!

Have you ever had a "ridiculous fight" with someone? I'm referring to an argument where both parties are willing to admit that the topic of contention is stupid and barely worth fighting about, but neither side is willing to back off.

Well, friends: you can rest easy now, because I have come up with the perfect method to settle these arguments. It's fair, and it's funny. When neither participant is willing to stop fighting over a silly topic, the only way to settle it is to fight in a silly manner.
Yes, that's right; I'm talking about...

Clown Duel.

The origins of Clown Duel are shrouded in mystery, with the haunting strains of Calliope music in the background. When both sides of an argument are willing to state "This fight is stupid," and still choose to fight, one party can simply challenge the other. It can either be verbal ("You realize there's only one way to settle this...Clown Duel.") or it can be physical (a simple squeeze of the opponent's nose and a "Honk honk! Clown Duel!" will suffice.)

Once the challenge has been extended, the offering party (hereafter referred to as Boffo) defers to the challenged party (Bozo.) Bozo can now choose one of the three times and methods of the Clown Duel that is to take place:

1. Rubber Chickens at Dawn (first one to knock off the other's red clown nose is the winner.)
2. Shootout at High Noon (10 paces; Boffo selects either banana cream pies, seltzer bottles or squirting flowers.)
3. Over-sized Inflatable Novelty Boxing Gloves at Sunset (Marquess of Queensbury Rules.)

The secondary rules of Clown Duel are quite simple, and add to both the dignity and hilarity of this noble (albeit whimsical) sport:

1. Proper Clown Regalia is absolutely necessary. This includes, but is not limited to: Rainbow wigs, floppy shoes, oversized and/or spinning bow ties, baggy pants (quick-release suspenders and humorous boxer shorts bring an added touch of class,) "war paint" (clown make-up, either "laughing clown" or "crying clown" is acceptable,) and the traditional "Hobo clown" gear of a bindle, fingerless gloves and a busted top hat. Be creative, but remember: the one required piece of the ensemble is the round, red clown nose.

2. Choose a Second Banana. Each participant must select a Second Banana to assist him in preparing for Clown Duel. A Second Banana will help the participant to dress in his Clown Regalia, don his "war paint," and carry the participant's weapons to the Field of Wackiness. If the dueler refuses to show up or is unable to fight, the Second Banana is chosen to fight in his stead (known as Filling One's Floppy Shoes.)

3. Music Makes the Day. Choose appropriately amusing music for when Clown Duel takes place. "Send In The Clowns," "Sabre Dance in G" or "Make 'Em Laugh" from Singin' in the Rain are all good choices. After Clown Duel has been completed, the "Crying Clown" aria from Il Pagliacci would properly encapsulate the mood.

After Clown Duel is completed, the result is considered the final word on the subject of the argument in question. The winner of Clown Duel has won the argument (providing either participant can even remember what they were fighting about,) and there is to be absolutely no further debate on the ridiculous subject.

So there you have it, gentle readers; the nuanced and sophisticated rules for the noble and goofy activity of Clown Duel. The next time you find yourself trapped in a silly fight, remember that it can all be solved with a few whacks of a rubber chicken. You may feel stupid, but that's kind of the point.

Usul, we have Nerdsign the likes of which God has not seen...

If you understand the reference in that title, congratulations! You are officially one of us. It's kind of a "You must be this nerdy to read this site" idea. Welcome to the first post of my blog. My name is Avery Vincent, and odds are you're one of my friends that I've coerced into reading the inane, insanely nerdy flotsam that bubbles to the surface of the pop-culture cauldron that is my mind. (Trivia answer: It's a reference to the movie version of Frank Herbert's Dune.)

I plan to update this blog every few days with the latest minutiae that I can't fit into a tweet and is too verbose for a Facebook status update. If you want to follow me on either of those as well, awesome; by all means, do so. Look up "Avery Vincent" on Facebook and/or follow me at twitter.com/averyvincent for smaller updates.

This will hopefully be a repository of the monologues and diatribes that I have cobbled together over my life, as well as the occasional movie/book/album review. I'm a very opinionated person, and I figure this is a good way to get my opinions out there, as opposed to constantly annoying my friends by telling them the same stories ad nauseum, which I have done for far too long as it is.

I am a Geek, and proudly so. I personally differentiate between the terms "Nerd," "Spaz," "Dork" and "Geek." It is possible, and quite common, to be more than one of these at the same time, but there are distinct differences between the groups.

Nerd: Someone of inordinately high intelligence with a particular skill and passion for computers, math and/or science. A Nerd is the kind of person you want as a lab partner or a tutor.

Spaz: Someone with a distinct lack of physical coordination. A Spaz will knock over three things trying to catch the one thing they knocked over first.

Dork: Someone who is completely without any sense of style. If your taste in clothes or music is a constant source of amusement to onlookers, you are a Dork.

Geek: Someone who has what I refer to as "a propensity for casual obsession." A Geek doesn't just kinda like something; he gets insanely into it. If you can recite all the lines from your favorite movie (or any movie, for that matter,) you are a Geek. If you like one song by a band, and then go out and buy 4 albums by that band, learn their entire history and see them in concert 4 times in the next 3 years, you are a Geek.

That, dear readers, is my definition of the subtle (yet distinct) differences between Nerd, Spaz, Dork and Geek. And for now, this would seem to be a good place to stop. Expect more to come soon. Until then, as the late, great George Carlin said: "Farewell, until we meet again. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."