Sir, I insist that we meet on the Field of Wackiness!

Have you ever had a "ridiculous fight" with someone? I'm referring to an argument where both parties are willing to admit that the topic of contention is stupid and barely worth fighting about, but neither side is willing to back off.

Well, friends: you can rest easy now, because I have come up with the perfect method to settle these arguments. It's fair, and it's funny. When neither participant is willing to stop fighting over a silly topic, the only way to settle it is to fight in a silly manner.
Yes, that's right; I'm talking about...

Clown Duel.

The origins of Clown Duel are shrouded in mystery, with the haunting strains of Calliope music in the background. When both sides of an argument are willing to state "This fight is stupid," and still choose to fight, one party can simply challenge the other. It can either be verbal ("You realize there's only one way to settle this...Clown Duel.") or it can be physical (a simple squeeze of the opponent's nose and a "Honk honk! Clown Duel!" will suffice.)

Once the challenge has been extended, the offering party (hereafter referred to as Boffo) defers to the challenged party (Bozo.) Bozo can now choose one of the three times and methods of the Clown Duel that is to take place:

1. Rubber Chickens at Dawn (first one to knock off the other's red clown nose is the winner.)
2. Shootout at High Noon (10 paces; Boffo selects either banana cream pies, seltzer bottles or squirting flowers.)
3. Over-sized Inflatable Novelty Boxing Gloves at Sunset (Marquess of Queensbury Rules.)

The secondary rules of Clown Duel are quite simple, and add to both the dignity and hilarity of this noble (albeit whimsical) sport:

1. Proper Clown Regalia is absolutely necessary. This includes, but is not limited to: Rainbow wigs, floppy shoes, oversized and/or spinning bow ties, baggy pants (quick-release suspenders and humorous boxer shorts bring an added touch of class,) "war paint" (clown make-up, either "laughing clown" or "crying clown" is acceptable,) and the traditional "Hobo clown" gear of a bindle, fingerless gloves and a busted top hat. Be creative, but remember: the one required piece of the ensemble is the round, red clown nose.

2. Choose a Second Banana. Each participant must select a Second Banana to assist him in preparing for Clown Duel. A Second Banana will help the participant to dress in his Clown Regalia, don his "war paint," and carry the participant's weapons to the Field of Wackiness. If the dueler refuses to show up or is unable to fight, the Second Banana is chosen to fight in his stead (known as Filling One's Floppy Shoes.)

3. Music Makes the Day. Choose appropriately amusing music for when Clown Duel takes place. "Send In The Clowns," "Sabre Dance in G" or "Make 'Em Laugh" from Singin' in the Rain are all good choices. After Clown Duel has been completed, the "Crying Clown" aria from Il Pagliacci would properly encapsulate the mood.

After Clown Duel is completed, the result is considered the final word on the subject of the argument in question. The winner of Clown Duel has won the argument (providing either participant can even remember what they were fighting about,) and there is to be absolutely no further debate on the ridiculous subject.

So there you have it, gentle readers; the nuanced and sophisticated rules for the noble and goofy activity of Clown Duel. The next time you find yourself trapped in a silly fight, remember that it can all be solved with a few whacks of a rubber chicken. You may feel stupid, but that's kind of the point.